Domestic Violence: Don’t Be Tricked into Not Getting a Restraining Order

In our last entry for Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we take a look at restraining orders. When a domestic violence victim escapes a terrible situation, the victim may be concerned about his/her safety. Although there has been an outcry in the past few years for more protections for domestic violence victims, the one tried and true method is still a restraining order. Despite what you might hear, the restraining order can protect you when you need it most.

There are three types of restraining orders in New Jersey:

• An emergency restraining order is a short term order that is given to the victim after the abuser is arrested for domestic violence. This order lasts for a limited period and is usually issued when court is not in session.
• A temporary restraining order lasts for 10 days and is good until you are able to get a more permanent restraining order, or if you decide to change your mind.
• A final restraining order is a permanent solution. Usually, it’s an extension of the current TRO and can become permanent if necessary.

The restraining order protects the victim and his/her family by shutting off contact with the abuser. That means even if the abuser tries to call the victim, he/she is violating the order and lead to an arrest and possible jail time.

Restraining orders will protect you from your abuser, but you shouldn’t rely on this alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up about the abuse you suffered and make sure you get an experienced domestic violence attorney to protect you from any more harm.

If you’ve been a victim of domestic violence and are in need of legal assistance, contact the Law Offices of Anthony Carbone today for a free consultation.

What Each Type of Restraining Order Actually Does and When It Applies

The three types of restraining orders described above operate at different points in the process, and understanding the distinctions helps explain why getting one promptly matters more than most victims initially realize.

The emergency restraining order fills a gap that would otherwise leave victims unprotected during nighttime hours, weekends, and holidays when the courthouse is closed. When law enforcement responds to a domestic violence incident and makes an arrest, an emergency restraining order can be issued at the scene or through a duty judge by phone. The officer does not need to wait for the courthouse to open to get this protection in place. The order takes effect immediately and remains valid until a court session can be held, at which point it transitions into a formal TRO proceeding. Victims who are not aware that this option exists sometimes assume they cannot get any legal protection until the next business day. That is not correct, and a victim who calls law enforcement after an incident has access to emergency protection regardless of the time.

The temporary restraining order is what most people think of when they picture the initial legal response to domestic violence in New Jersey. It is issued by a judge at the Family Part of the Superior Court, typically at an ex parte hearing, meaning the alleged abuser is not present and does not need to be notified before the order is issued. The victim presents the facts of the situation to the court, and the judge determines whether a TRO is appropriate. If issued, the TRO can immediately prohibit the abuser from contacting the victim, require the abuser to leave the shared home even if they are the property owner or leaseholder, establish temporary custody arrangements for children, require the surrender of firearms, and award temporary support. All of this happens before the abuser has had any opportunity to respond. The ten-day window is specifically designed to give the victim protection while the court schedules the final hearing, where both parties will be present.

The final restraining order is the part of this process that requires the most preparation and carries the most long-term significance. A victim who wants a permanent restraining order needs to appear at the hearing, testify about the abuse, and present whatever evidence they have. The judge evaluates whether a predicate act of domestic violence occurred and whether ongoing legal protection is necessary. If the final restraining order is granted, it has no expiration date in New Jersey. It remains in effect indefinitely unless one of the parties returns to court and successfully argues for its modification or vacation.

The Tactics Used to Discourage Victims From Seeking a Restraining Order

The title of this page is a warning, and it reflects something that happens regularly in domestic violence situations. Victims are talked out of seeking restraining orders through a combination of pressure, manipulation, and misinformation. Recognizing these tactics for what they are is part of understanding why the legal protection matters even when it feels complicated.

Some of the most common arguments used to discourage a victim from obtaining a restraining order include the claim that it will destroy the family, that it will result in the abuser losing their job, that it will prevent the victim from ever speaking to the abuser again even in an emergency, and that the victim will not be believed anyway. Each of these arguments serves the abuser’s interest rather than the victim’s safety.

The argument about destroying the family often comes not just from the abuser but from family members, community members, or religious advisors who prioritize the intact relationship over the victim’s physical safety. It places the responsibility for the abuse’s consequences on the person who is trying to protect themselves rather than on the person who committed the abuse. A restraining order does not destroy a family. An abuser’s decision to engage in violence or coercive control creates the situation that requires legal intervention.

The concern about employment is real in some cases — a restraining order that prohibits the abuser from being within a certain distance of the victim could affect the abuser’s ability to work if their workplace is near where the victim lives or works. But a court that is crafting the terms of a restraining order can address these situations with targeted provisions, and an abuser’s employment concerns do not override a victim’s right to physical safety.

The claim that obtaining a restraining order will permanently prevent any communication is inaccurate. The terms of a restraining order are set by the court, and while they typically prohibit all contact by default, specific provisions can be made for necessary communication, particularly when children are involved. Co-parenting communication through a specified channel, for example, can be built into the order rather than left to chance.

What Happens If the Victim Allows Contact After a TRO Is Issued

One of the most consequential misunderstandings in domestic violence restraining order cases involves what happens when a victim allows contact with the abuser after a TRO has been issued. Victims sometimes believe that if they answer a phone call from the abuser, invite the abuser back to the home, or agree to meet, the TRO becomes void or the violation does not count. This is incorrect and can create serious problems for the victim.

The restraining order restricts the abuser’s conduct, not the victim’s. That means the abuser is violating the order even when the victim has accepted or invited the contact. Law enforcement and courts have discretion in how they respond to violations where the victim appears to have encouraged contact, but the legal violation is still the abuser’s, and the abuser can still be arrested and charged. Victims who allow contact after a TRO is issued can create a factual record that complicates the final restraining order hearing, because it may be used to argue that the victim does not genuinely fear the abuser or that no ongoing danger exists.

The pattern of allowing contact after a restraining order is issued is one that courts and attorneys who handle these cases see frequently, and it reflects the complex dynamics of abusive relationships rather than a simple change of heart. Abusers often become especially persuasive, remorseful, and persistent immediately after a restraining order is issued, recognizing that this is the moment when their control over the victim is most directly threatened. The promises made during this period are part of the cycle of abuse, and they are rarely followed by the sustained change they represent.

When the Abuser Shows Up at the Final Hearing

At the final restraining order hearing, the abuser appears in court with the opportunity to contest the order. They may arrive with an attorney. They may present witnesses who contradict the victim’s account. They may attempt to minimize the seriousness of the incidents described or to reframe the dynamic of the relationship in a way that reflects better on themselves. This is their legal right, and the fact that they take advantage of it should not surprise or discourage a victim who is seeking protection.

What it does mean is that the victim’s preparation for the hearing matters. A victim who appears without any supporting evidence, who cannot clearly describe the pattern of abuse, or who is caught off guard by questions about prior incidents or the victim’s own conduct is in a weaker position than one who has prepared with the assistance of an attorney. The standard of proof at the final restraining order hearing is a preponderance of the evidence, which means the court needs to find it more likely than not that the domestic violence occurred and that protection is necessary. That is a lower standard than in a criminal case, but it still requires a coherent, credible presentation.

Why Relying on the Restraining Order Alone Is Not Enough

The original content makes a point that is worth expanding: restraining orders will protect you from your abuser, but you shouldn’t rely on this alone. This is not a statement about the legal effectiveness of the order. It is an honest acknowledgment that a piece of paper cannot guarantee physical safety in every situation.

A restraining order creates a legal boundary with real criminal consequences for violation. When an abuser violates the order and law enforcement becomes aware of it, the abuser can be arrested, charged with contempt of court, and face additional criminal penalties. The existence of the order is documented in law enforcement databases, which means any officer responding to a future incident involving the parties has immediate notice that the order is in effect. These are meaningful protections.

What the order cannot do is physically prevent an abuser who is determined to make contact from attempting it. Safety planning — developing a specific, practical plan for what to do if the abuser appears at the home, the workplace, or any other location — is something that domestic violence advocates and attorneys can help with. This includes knowing how to document violations in real time, understanding who to call and what to say, and having a plan for leaving a dangerous location quickly if needed.

Speaking with a New Jersey Domestic Violence Attorney about the specific circumstances of a case also helps victims understand whether the terms of their restraining order are as protective as possible, whether additional relief such as temporary custody or support provisions should be sought, and what to do if the abuser violates the order after it is entered.

Restraining orders will protect you from your abuser, but you shouldn’t rely on this alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up about the abuse you suffered and make sure you get an experienced domestic violence attorney to protect you from any more harm.

If you’ve been a victim of domestic violence and are in need of legal assistance, contact the Law Offices of Anthony Carbone today for a free consultation.